Help to heal from sexual betrayal

Finding out that your husband has been in an affair, hiding a pornography habit or acting out sexually in other ways behind your back can completely blow your sense of reality apart. While there are many variables which impact how this situation plays out in a woman’s life, one thing is certain: the life you knew before you knew about his secret is over. Maybe you cry a lot, maybe you just feel numb. Maybe you yell and throw things, maybe you stay isolated, avoiding contact with others. Maybe you get on with life, hot, dry eyes and forced smile, but your pain leaks out in ways you can’t control and the happy self you used to know has been replaced with a hollowed-out shadow.

This is the firestorm of sexual betrayal. Caring for your traumatised parts is priority as you rise from the ashes of your former reality. A traumatised brain is a brain that doesn’t feel safe. Our brains are wired to warn us of danger, and when trauma happens, our brains store the scary data where no words live but reactions spontaneously erupt or our feelings flatline to spare us the pain of engaging. The fire alarms of our limbic system continue to be tripped as our minds and bodies try to grasp our new reality and possibly engage with additional fires of new information.

Finding safety and stabilising trauma symptoms is the first work of betrayal recovery. You are a survivor of the firestorm in need of intensive care. When some stability is achieved, you can then breathe enough to begin to grasp what actually happened (and is happening) and enter an active grieving process as part of regaining your sense of self. Whether or not your relationship survives, a gentle process of working out your integrated story can bring healing and meaning. Post-traumatic growth does happen. It’s also possible, if both partners are on board, to emerge from the firestorm with a stronger marriage, rebuilt with rigorous honesty and empathy.

I know you don’t want to stay in fire alarm mode. I know you want to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other until you are walking - and even running - confidently again.

There are many benefits of coaching for betrayed partners.

Recognise triggers and gain confidence in responding to them
Establish boundaries that will help with your sense of safety
Clearly communicate your needs to your husband and others
Replace your feeling of “crazy” with confidence
Back yourself with a reliable support system
Feel secure that you have a plan for your worst case scenario
Step authentically into your God-given power and identity
Get clarity about your reality
Be more connected with God and yourself
Work out your priorities and live them wholeheartedly
Grieve your losses to honour them with true meaning
Forgive and let go