One difficult part of getting traction when life is hard is figuring out what is actually going on. Maybe you thought you understood how life works but now this roadblock in your relationship has you running for cover or repeating familiar strategies that no longer work. What are the elements of what is really happening in your difficult situation?
The facts
Knowing the facts should be easy, right? Facts are observable data, the stuff that can be captured with a video camera. The problem is that each observer is looking from a different camera and making up a story about what they see. Because of this, stories can wildly differ and conflict can escalate. Commitment to the facts means sorting the made-up story from the observable data, carefully considering where you might be reading meaning into what you see and hear. It means maintaining curiosity about what you don’t yet know. Getting the facts as clearly as possible positions you to make choices about moving forward with confidence.
The framework
Whether we are aware of it or not, all of us see life through a lens developed throughout life. Shaping influences like your family of origin, your faith community, your education and your life experiences inform the way you see your present reality. Past wounding can create suspicion and distrust and “rules of play” that you may not even realise are present in your thinking. It’s all too easy to read your version of how life works into another’s reality and judge them or even yourself through that lens. Becoming aware of your invisible framework can immensely help you to engage clearly with your reality.
The thinking
As human beings we are made for making meaning in life. We see things in time-space relationship, and our brains are constantly putting together reasons, developing logic and explaining the why of what we see. Once we have made up our minds about the meaning of what we see, it can be challenging to shift our perspective. Engaging clearly with your reality includes acknowledging the meaning making you’ve been doing and being open to considering alternative explanations. This step can be incredibly freeing in clearing the way for positive engagement.
The feelings
Wrapped around the meaning we are making are our feelings. Like the smell of garlic and oil in a hot wok, feelings permeate our souls and bodies, influencing our thoughts and actions. When you can honestly describe your feelings, putting words to your emotions, you can work out helpful ways to engage with them and free up your mind to make the decisions you really want to make.
Steps to clarity with your reality
If you are struggling to figure out your reality, here are a few steps you might find helpful.
Journalling: write out the facts, frameworks, thinking and feelings that come up for you in your current situation.
Talk to someone: find someone who will hold space for you and keep you accountable as you work through what is actually going on around you and inside you
Take a break: sometimes stepping back from the messy situation can clear the clouds and give you strength and perspective to work on it another day
Don’t rush. Sometimes getting a clear grasp on what’s happening means waiting for the pieces to fall into place.
If you need help thinking through what’s going on for you, why not contact me for a chat?
